I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
