About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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