She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
