I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize