youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
