dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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