I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
