but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
