My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
