the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
