so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
