I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
