Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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