i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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