Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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