She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
