i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
