she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
