you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
