does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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