I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
