do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
