Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
