I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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