textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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