I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
