At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
