I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
