Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
