Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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