the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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