How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
