Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
