His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
