in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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