Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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