there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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