The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
