I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just invented taco cereal.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
