Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I lost the right to judge tonight
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
