There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
