I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I fill condoms, not promises.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
