Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
