She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
