2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
