I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
