In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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