My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
