And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
