for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
