he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize