Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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