Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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