Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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