so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
