Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
