Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
